It took less than four minutes for Anita to ask me again "So when are you going to find a boyfriend? You're not getting any younger, you know". I used one of my regular excuses to brush aside the topic and hoped that she wouldn't persist. The topic of boyfriends, relationships, children etc seem to crop up all the time whenever I catch up with girlfriends. I was under the impression that we had reached a day and age when women could choose their own path, but apparently this is only a myth. Being single is a black mark on us all, a sign that we are either bitches, lesbians, ugly or that we generally just hate men. None of the above apply to me however. I am not a bitch (at least I dont think so), I am definitely straight, I am certainly not ugly and I love men too much to hate them. So how did I get here?
Anita was once shocked by my response that having a boyfriend was like "having a second job that you don't get paid for". It was the best way I could describe why I have been single for so long and why having a boyfriend is relatively low in my list of priorities. But I was never always like this. My teenage days were spent fantasizing of white weddings, being swept off my feet and the blissful sensation of falling in love. So where did it all go wrong. To understand this, I decided to dig into my past a little bit. Its all about my experiences with men - the good, the bad and the ugly.
It seems only fair to start with Michael. My first real boyfriend who I met at university. While I did date in highschool, none of those boys really stood out and as teenagers, I was just as stupid as they were. So Michael was to be my first 'real' boyfriend. A medical student, he was both intelligent and mature for his age. I wouldn't say he was particularly good looking but then I've always only been attracted to intelligence rather than looks so this is hardly suprising. It took months of flirting for him to finally gain the courage to ask me out. Even then there were copious amounts of alcohol involved. He was extremely shy and at first I thought he would feel more secure and confident in our relationship as time passed. About two months into our relationship, Michael was still shy and reluctant to even hold my hand in public. It became a big problem for me especially when my girlfriends starting asking me when they could expect to meet this phantom boyfriend of mine. After several attempts at confronting him about this, Michael finally spilled the beans. He came from a strict family, and both his family and friends did not approve of inter-racial relationships. This came as a huge blow to me. All this time, I was spending time with a guy who was afraid to be with me in public simply because his racist friends and family would not approve. Suffice to say, the relationship ended rather promptly after this. I was upset at first and Michael was devastated but I simply did not want to be in a relationship with someone who was embarrassed or afraid to introduce me to the other elements of his life - his family and friends. I wasn't ready to give up though, and without a boyfriend to tie up my weekends and spare time, I spent more and more time partying and clubbing. And this is how I met Jeff.
Jeffrey was also a medical student but one year younger than Michael. Thankfully, the two of them had never met. While Michael was shy and never fond of PDAs, Jeff was just the opposite. In addition to this, he never wanted to be apart from me for more than 2 hours at a time. This became a huge problem really fast. I have always been quite independent, preferring to have a balance between time spent with my man and time spent with my girlfriends, not to mention I also had to study (and so did he). I spoke to him gently about this however and Jeff agreed that I deserved some time off every now and again. Things were great, for a time, he was affectionate and treated me like a princess. I was spoiled rotten whenever he was around, and as time progressed he was around...a lot! Again, he insisted on being everywhere with me even when I was invited by my friends to their own formal functions. He would call incessantly and beg to come around despite having exams to study for. Suffice to say, Jeff didn't do very well at his exams that semester, and that was a problem to me. I did not want to be responsible for his slipping grades nor did I want to be held accountable if he ever had to drop out. To make things worse, he started a bad habit of asking permission for everything he wanted to do. If we went for dinner, he would ask for permission to drink beer. If we went to a movie, he would ask if he was allowed to go outside for a smoke halfway through. Suddenly, every action became decisions for me to make on his behalf. On more than one ocassion I decided to test the waters by answering 'no', expecting some kind of reaction, but Jeffrey was incredibly obedient and always followed my orders. Within months, I was more Jeffrey's mother than I was his girlfriend. Enough was enough and after a few months, I decided to call it quits. Being the only decision maker in that relationship was exhausting and I was ready for change. Within weeks of dumping poor Jeff, however, I was back to my old self and that, was when I met Jason.
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