It would be several years before I dated again, not because of the "on & off again" relationship with Daniel, but because the next few years were crucial in my professional development. I settled down in a role I really enjoyed and was constantly too busy to meet new people. Later however, I returned to university to further my training. It was around this time, a great six years later, that I met Jiro.
Despite being five years younger, Jiro and I shared almost everything in common. We were both Asian, our hobbies were varied from video games to horror movies and nightclubbing, and he was so easy to talk to. Amongst all else, he was a gentleman, always polite enough to hold the door open for me, give up his seat etc. Being quite the tomboy, most of my friends were male and I was used to being treated like just one of 'the boys'. Being treated like a lady for a change was quite new to me and rather enjoyable.
The one thing I couldn't quite understand however, was that every Saturday night, Jiro would disappear and be completely unavailable. I suspected a girlfriend but he was adamant it was not the case. I had no reason to mistrust him, since he had been nothing but good to me and we spent just about every day together. After about a year, many of our friends started commenting on how we already looked like a couple, but I was a little nervous about taking it further since we were already such good friends. But in essence we were already behaving like a couple and Jiro wasn't one to talk about his feelings, so I decided to just take things slow and see where our relationship would lead us.
As time passed, I began to feel a little impatient and decided to confront him. I decided that it was time we became more honest with our feelings. We were both shy individuals so finding the right moment was difficult, but I was determined to get an answer. Finally, it took about seven beers during Oktoberfest for me to work up the courage to ask. However, he was unable to attend Oktoberfest so I sent it as a text message instead. On hindsight, this was probably the most ridiculous way of confronting someone but of course I didn't realise this at the time.
"Hey I really, really like you and think we could be good together. Do you have feelings for me? Or do you have someone else? Can we get together and talk about this later. Miss you heaps"
About a day after, I still hadn't received a response, and that was when I started feeling really stupid. Honestly, what was I thinking, texting him my feelings like that after all those beers. Suddenly, out of the blue, I received a text from him "Yes, I am in a relationship with someone else. Will tell you more about it later". I was shocked. Especially at the fact that he was able to hide a relationship from me when the only day we had apart was Saturday. Something didn't sit right and I wasn't convinced. Something else was going on and I knew, it couldn't be good.
We met at my place straight after work and Jiro looked extremely uncomfortable and nervous. I suddenly felt bad for putting him in this position after being such close friends for so long. After some smalltalk, came Jiro's big confession. Apparently, despite having 'feelings' for me, he had always been, and always will be...gay. I felt about as small as a pea. How embarassing? I had just fallen in love with a gay man. He had of course never told anyone but me about it, nor did he ever openly behave gay, but somehow, I felt I should have known. Furthermore, he had seeing someone for about six years and for some strange reason, they could only meet on Saturdays.
The next few months were extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant, especially since I had promised Jiro that I wouldn't tell anyone about what he had just confessed. I decided then, that spending less time with him would make things easier for both of us. To this day, we remain good friends, and he is still happily in the same relationship, but we've never been close again.
Looking back now over the years, it is true that I have been extremely unlucky in love but then again, who hasn't. Most of us have had different experiences but ultimately felt the same disappointments and heartaches. Its not about being defeated however. I certainly don't look back and cry about how things turned out. Neither do I stomp my feet and wail about how all men are jerks. I have become the person I am now because of these experiences. I've learned from them and become stronger. Sure, I haven't met Mr Right yet, but while that used to be a priority when I was younger, it isn't anymore. These days, I find much more satisfaction in hanging out with friends, travelling and working. Perhaps one day I'll meet my knight in shining armour, but for now, I'm happy to shelf that away along with skydiving and touring Europe.
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Sunday, 29 May 2011
The Single Dilemma Pt 2
I met Jason at the local nightclub. In those days, we only had about 2-3 in the city so it was easy to bump into just about everyone. I also recall meeting the international Pakistani Cricket team here but thats a story for another time. Jason was good looking, tall and charming. Thinking back, I should have guessed how things would have turned out but I was too young and inexperienced to know any better.
We saw each other quite regularly and it was invigorating being with such a fun-loving, gorgeous man. We had heaps in common from rap music, movies and even down to our beverage of choice - gin and juice. Everything was working out well and I was so sure he was "the one", but it all came crashing down on the night of my 18th birthday.
I themed my birthday party as 'formal dress', of course as an excuse to dress up in my most exquisite black dress. Jason turned up with his usual crowd of friends and an additional person who he introduced as his brother, Leto. The night went pretty smoothly until Leto asked to speak to me privately. I was totally unprepared for what he was about to tell me. Apparently, Jason was engaged to his highschool sweetheart in their local hometown and they were due to be married in under a year. Suffice to say, I did not handle this in the most lady-like manner, especially after having downed about 8 gin and juices. I confronted Jason immediately (thankfully also in private), and he confessed everything, including the fact that he was still going ahead with the wedding, despite having feelings for me. My world was shattered and I felt worthless and used. I should have known that noone that 'perfect' could ever be interested in simple, plain ol' me.
For months after leaving Jason, I was depressed. Going through the break up was exhausting as everything reminded me of him. Being the immature, young girl I was, I swore never to date again, citing the usual "all men are lying, deceitful pigs". It was a promise I was unable to keep however, because a year later, I met Daniel.
Just before meeting Danny, my sister and I had just moved overseas on our own, without the parents - freedom at its ultimate best. We were treated to a multitude of delicious looking men but sadly, most of them were attracted only to my sister, who admittedly was (and still is) much better looking than I. Many started befriending me only as a means to meet her. It was hurtful and only reinforced my previous conclusion that all men were pigs. I even began to resent my sister who never realised what I was going through. She was just having a good time and didn't notice what was happening around us. I became even more depressed and decided that perhaps I really was 'all brains and no looks'. It was around this time, that I met Daniel, who was in just about all my classes.
The first time he flirted with me, I looked over my shoulder to check if my sister was around, expecting it to be misdirected infatuation of some sort. It took months before I trusted and believed that he just wanted to know me better. The funny thing about our relationship was that we never really dated, in the normal sense of the term. He was a fraternity pledgee for the fraternity house that I used to visit (mainly because most of my friends either lived or went there often). As such, we made plenty of excuses to be there at the same time. We mainly talked and laughed, as he was one of the few people that could make me laugh and we always had fun no matter where we were. I still remember attending an annual varsity dinner with him and how he made me laugh so much, we kept getting evil glares from the other attendees.
It took me a long time to finally open up to him and when I was finally ready to make a commitment, I received a phonecall from my father saying that he could no longer support my sister and I overseas and that I had to move back home. It came at the worst possible time and I was torn. Do I somehow find a way to remain in the country just to be with Daniel or do I just leave everything behind and move back. After much thinking, I finally called Danny to tell him that I was leaving the country in under a month. I didnt expect the disappointment and sadness I heard in his voice. It made me love him even more. Unfortunately, it wasnt enough that we just wanted to be with each other, there were other things involved - visas, money etc. I decided that it would be the sensible thing to move back home.
I missed him so much when I returned but having never told my parents or anyone about him, there was noone I could really talk to. I resisted calling him for a long time in an effort to get over him quicker, but he constantly wrote me letters (the internet and emails were still unheard of back then) and I wrote back. Being in contact with him made life a bit more bearable and I constantly looked forward to receiving letters from him. Each time he wrote however, he asked if there was any way I could move back to be closer to him, but I knew that as long as i was not working or earning my own money, it was impossible. I kept postponing and making excuses as to why I couldn't come. Soon the letters began to dwindle. Where I would usually receive a letter every second day, I started only receiving them once a week and finally, once a month. I could feel him slipping away but there was nothing I could do about it. We went through this for about 2 years. In that entire time, I never saw anyone else. If I ever met anyone I would eventually compare them to him and they would always lose. About six months later, I received a letter from Daniel saying he had met someone else and that although he still cared for me, he could not proceed with a long distance relationship for much longer. He had found someone else and it was over between us.
Again, my heart was broken but suprisingly I bounced back soon after. I think it was because Daniel had always been honest with me and because he had tried so hard to make things work. I loved him enough as a person to wish him happiness even if it meant being alone without him. We broke up amicably and he became one of my best friends. Later we would pick up where we left off and for about 8-10 years we maintained an 'on again/off again' relationship but things never really worked out because we were so far apart. We eventually drifted apart and although we still maintain the friendship, we will never be together as a couple again.
We saw each other quite regularly and it was invigorating being with such a fun-loving, gorgeous man. We had heaps in common from rap music, movies and even down to our beverage of choice - gin and juice. Everything was working out well and I was so sure he was "the one", but it all came crashing down on the night of my 18th birthday.
I themed my birthday party as 'formal dress', of course as an excuse to dress up in my most exquisite black dress. Jason turned up with his usual crowd of friends and an additional person who he introduced as his brother, Leto. The night went pretty smoothly until Leto asked to speak to me privately. I was totally unprepared for what he was about to tell me. Apparently, Jason was engaged to his highschool sweetheart in their local hometown and they were due to be married in under a year. Suffice to say, I did not handle this in the most lady-like manner, especially after having downed about 8 gin and juices. I confronted Jason immediately (thankfully also in private), and he confessed everything, including the fact that he was still going ahead with the wedding, despite having feelings for me. My world was shattered and I felt worthless and used. I should have known that noone that 'perfect' could ever be interested in simple, plain ol' me.
For months after leaving Jason, I was depressed. Going through the break up was exhausting as everything reminded me of him. Being the immature, young girl I was, I swore never to date again, citing the usual "all men are lying, deceitful pigs". It was a promise I was unable to keep however, because a year later, I met Daniel.
Just before meeting Danny, my sister and I had just moved overseas on our own, without the parents - freedom at its ultimate best. We were treated to a multitude of delicious looking men but sadly, most of them were attracted only to my sister, who admittedly was (and still is) much better looking than I. Many started befriending me only as a means to meet her. It was hurtful and only reinforced my previous conclusion that all men were pigs. I even began to resent my sister who never realised what I was going through. She was just having a good time and didn't notice what was happening around us. I became even more depressed and decided that perhaps I really was 'all brains and no looks'. It was around this time, that I met Daniel, who was in just about all my classes.
The first time he flirted with me, I looked over my shoulder to check if my sister was around, expecting it to be misdirected infatuation of some sort. It took months before I trusted and believed that he just wanted to know me better. The funny thing about our relationship was that we never really dated, in the normal sense of the term. He was a fraternity pledgee for the fraternity house that I used to visit (mainly because most of my friends either lived or went there often). As such, we made plenty of excuses to be there at the same time. We mainly talked and laughed, as he was one of the few people that could make me laugh and we always had fun no matter where we were. I still remember attending an annual varsity dinner with him and how he made me laugh so much, we kept getting evil glares from the other attendees.
It took me a long time to finally open up to him and when I was finally ready to make a commitment, I received a phonecall from my father saying that he could no longer support my sister and I overseas and that I had to move back home. It came at the worst possible time and I was torn. Do I somehow find a way to remain in the country just to be with Daniel or do I just leave everything behind and move back. After much thinking, I finally called Danny to tell him that I was leaving the country in under a month. I didnt expect the disappointment and sadness I heard in his voice. It made me love him even more. Unfortunately, it wasnt enough that we just wanted to be with each other, there were other things involved - visas, money etc. I decided that it would be the sensible thing to move back home.
I missed him so much when I returned but having never told my parents or anyone about him, there was noone I could really talk to. I resisted calling him for a long time in an effort to get over him quicker, but he constantly wrote me letters (the internet and emails were still unheard of back then) and I wrote back. Being in contact with him made life a bit more bearable and I constantly looked forward to receiving letters from him. Each time he wrote however, he asked if there was any way I could move back to be closer to him, but I knew that as long as i was not working or earning my own money, it was impossible. I kept postponing and making excuses as to why I couldn't come. Soon the letters began to dwindle. Where I would usually receive a letter every second day, I started only receiving them once a week and finally, once a month. I could feel him slipping away but there was nothing I could do about it. We went through this for about 2 years. In that entire time, I never saw anyone else. If I ever met anyone I would eventually compare them to him and they would always lose. About six months later, I received a letter from Daniel saying he had met someone else and that although he still cared for me, he could not proceed with a long distance relationship for much longer. He had found someone else and it was over between us.
Again, my heart was broken but suprisingly I bounced back soon after. I think it was because Daniel had always been honest with me and because he had tried so hard to make things work. I loved him enough as a person to wish him happiness even if it meant being alone without him. We broke up amicably and he became one of my best friends. Later we would pick up where we left off and for about 8-10 years we maintained an 'on again/off again' relationship but things never really worked out because we were so far apart. We eventually drifted apart and although we still maintain the friendship, we will never be together as a couple again.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
The Single Dilemma - Pt 1
It took less than four minutes for Anita to ask me again "So when are you going to find a boyfriend? You're not getting any younger, you know". I used one of my regular excuses to brush aside the topic and hoped that she wouldn't persist. The topic of boyfriends, relationships, children etc seem to crop up all the time whenever I catch up with girlfriends. I was under the impression that we had reached a day and age when women could choose their own path, but apparently this is only a myth. Being single is a black mark on us all, a sign that we are either bitches, lesbians, ugly or that we generally just hate men. None of the above apply to me however. I am not a bitch (at least I dont think so), I am definitely straight, I am certainly not ugly and I love men too much to hate them. So how did I get here?
Anita was once shocked by my response that having a boyfriend was like "having a second job that you don't get paid for". It was the best way I could describe why I have been single for so long and why having a boyfriend is relatively low in my list of priorities. But I was never always like this. My teenage days were spent fantasizing of white weddings, being swept off my feet and the blissful sensation of falling in love. So where did it all go wrong. To understand this, I decided to dig into my past a little bit. Its all about my experiences with men - the good, the bad and the ugly.
It seems only fair to start with Michael. My first real boyfriend who I met at university. While I did date in highschool, none of those boys really stood out and as teenagers, I was just as stupid as they were. So Michael was to be my first 'real' boyfriend. A medical student, he was both intelligent and mature for his age. I wouldn't say he was particularly good looking but then I've always only been attracted to intelligence rather than looks so this is hardly suprising. It took months of flirting for him to finally gain the courage to ask me out. Even then there were copious amounts of alcohol involved. He was extremely shy and at first I thought he would feel more secure and confident in our relationship as time passed. About two months into our relationship, Michael was still shy and reluctant to even hold my hand in public. It became a big problem for me especially when my girlfriends starting asking me when they could expect to meet this phantom boyfriend of mine. After several attempts at confronting him about this, Michael finally spilled the beans. He came from a strict family, and both his family and friends did not approve of inter-racial relationships. This came as a huge blow to me. All this time, I was spending time with a guy who was afraid to be with me in public simply because his racist friends and family would not approve. Suffice to say, the relationship ended rather promptly after this. I was upset at first and Michael was devastated but I simply did not want to be in a relationship with someone who was embarrassed or afraid to introduce me to the other elements of his life - his family and friends. I wasn't ready to give up though, and without a boyfriend to tie up my weekends and spare time, I spent more and more time partying and clubbing. And this is how I met Jeff.
Jeffrey was also a medical student but one year younger than Michael. Thankfully, the two of them had never met. While Michael was shy and never fond of PDAs, Jeff was just the opposite. In addition to this, he never wanted to be apart from me for more than 2 hours at a time. This became a huge problem really fast. I have always been quite independent, preferring to have a balance between time spent with my man and time spent with my girlfriends, not to mention I also had to study (and so did he). I spoke to him gently about this however and Jeff agreed that I deserved some time off every now and again. Things were great, for a time, he was affectionate and treated me like a princess. I was spoiled rotten whenever he was around, and as time progressed he was around...a lot! Again, he insisted on being everywhere with me even when I was invited by my friends to their own formal functions. He would call incessantly and beg to come around despite having exams to study for. Suffice to say, Jeff didn't do very well at his exams that semester, and that was a problem to me. I did not want to be responsible for his slipping grades nor did I want to be held accountable if he ever had to drop out. To make things worse, he started a bad habit of asking permission for everything he wanted to do. If we went for dinner, he would ask for permission to drink beer. If we went to a movie, he would ask if he was allowed to go outside for a smoke halfway through. Suddenly, every action became decisions for me to make on his behalf. On more than one ocassion I decided to test the waters by answering 'no', expecting some kind of reaction, but Jeffrey was incredibly obedient and always followed my orders. Within months, I was more Jeffrey's mother than I was his girlfriend. Enough was enough and after a few months, I decided to call it quits. Being the only decision maker in that relationship was exhausting and I was ready for change. Within weeks of dumping poor Jeff, however, I was back to my old self and that, was when I met Jason.
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